Parameters
by ShelleyBarnard
Summary: Just what was going through Chakotay's mind when he got involved with Seven? Constructive criticism, both negative and positive, always welcome.


Paramount owns these people. Alas, alack and Alaska.

This is only my second piece of fan fiction. He you have any suggestions for me, I would love to hear them.

Parameters

"I've decided to alter the parameters of our relationship." With just nine words, Seven of Nine changed everything for Chakotay. There wasn't another word in the English language (or any other language, for that matter) that he hated with the same passion as the word "parameters". How many times had Kathryn talked about "parameters"? Chakotay had lost count. Whenever he was on the verge of finding happiness, the word "parameters" appeared out of nowhere to squash all of his hopes and dreams.

Chakotay never argued whenever Kathryn decided to set parameters. Years ago, the first time that word had come between them, he had decided that he wouldn't fight her about her precious parameters. She was stubborn, and could never be talked out of a decision. Besides, he was absolutely certain that if he waited patiently, she would realize for herself how _unnecessary_ those parameters were. She would come to understand that she could love him and still be the captain, that she could fulfill her responsibilities to the crew and still find personal fulfillment. When she was ready for a relationship, she would seek him out. But that hadn't happened. Kathryn remained his best friend (most of the time anyway), but her _heart_ seemed to move farther and farther out of his reach every year. He had lost her. No, he was kidding himself. She had never really been his in the first place.

In the years since New Earth, Chakotay had come to bitterly regret his decision to accede to Kathryn's decision. If he had fought, he probably would have lost ... but he _might_ have won. In the end, by passively accepting Kathryn's parameters, he had lost anyway. It was too late in the day for them to change their parameters. And they had hurt each other so many times.

As Chakotay gradually accepted that he would never have the relationship with Kathryn that he wanted, he also came to realize that he might never have that sort of soul connection with anyone. _Voyager_ never stayed in one place long enough for him to connect with anyone who wasn't already on board, and Kathryn was the only member of the crew that interested him in a forever sort of way. Yes, casual sex was nice, but he was fifty years old now. He was tired of waking up alone every morning.

And then, out of nowhere, Seven began pursuing him. Chakotay had never even considered Seven as a possible mate. True, she was strong, highly intelligent, and certainly beautiful (Gods, she was beautiful!), but she was so unapproachable. Or was she? He thought back over their personal conversations. She had dreamed of being a ballerina before she was assimilated; she had felt like a scared little girl both times she had been disconnected from the Collective; she had thanked him for stranding her on a primitive planet. Her sense of humor was a little odd (he still remembered his shock when she had dryly informed him that _Voyager_'s crew was "not yet ready for assimilation"), but it was definitely there once you knew where to look. Perhaps he had been too quick to give up happiness. Perhaps he could find what he wanted with Seven.

Once Chakotay began to look at Seven as a romantic possibility, he discovered that he really enjoyed her company. The more time he spent with her, the more she fascinated him. For the first time in years, he began to hope. And then that damn admiral showed up on _Voyager_. 

Admiral Janeway had proposed a way to deal a potentially lethal blow to the Borg _and_ get _Voyager_ home at the same time. What could possibly be better than that? But her plan was risky, and gave him a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Hoping to find some comfort, he had gone to Astrometrics to see the woman that was starting to mean more and more to him every day. Instead, he found a stranger who requested that he not speak to her as though they were on "intimate terms." Confused and irritated, he had challenged her. And she then informed him that she had "decided to alter the parameters" of their relationship.

He was stunned. And then he was angry. How could she, _she_, use that word?!? How could "parameters" possibly come up _again_ to destroy his life? It was too much. This time he would fight.

Chakotay raged against Seven's parameters as he never had against Kathryn's. He didn't actually know who he was arguing with, Seven or Kathryn, he just knew that he wasn't going to give up this time. He so desperately wanted _someone_ to think that he was worth a little risk. And he succeeded.

Later, he began to wonder whether his gut reaction had been the right one. Did he really want to fall in love with yet _another_ woman who was capable of pulling the rug out from under him at a moment's notice? Did he really want to spend the rest of his life worrying about "parameters"? He certainly _could_ fall in love with Seven, but he didn't love her yet. Maybe he should get out of this relationship while he still could. 

There was another reason to get out, he realized. Seven was just too much like Kathryn. Had that been the attraction? Did he want a strong, intelligent, coldly logical woman because that was "his type," or because he was trying to replace Kathryn? Both lines of speculation bothered him. It wasn't fair to Seven, or any other woman, to use her as a substitute for somebody he could never have. And he realized that the words strong, intelligent and coldly logical could just as easily apply to Riley and Sveta.... and Seska.

To hell with them both! He was back in the Alpha Quadrant now. He would stay put in one place, find a woman who was wildly different from Kathryn, and start a family. Well, perhaps not _too_ different. He could never see himself with a weakling, and he had never been with a woman who wasn't more intelligent than he was, but he was _done_ with calculating females. The next time he fell in love, it would be with somebody who was recklessly illogical and never thought ahead more than one day at a time. Chakotay wondered how soon he could find a transport vessel to take him to Klingon space. Or maybe Tellar? Tellarite women weren't exactly his physical ideals, but they were certainly irrational enough for him.

But first, he had to go see the Kathryn one more time. The ship was almost completely evacuated, but the first officer still had a few more details to go over with the Captain before they could join the rest of the crew at Starfleet Headquarters. He buzzed at the door of her ready room, and heard the familiar voice tell him to come in.

They finished the last of the ship's business rather quickly, and then an awkward silence fell between them. Kathryn seemed uncomfortable and uncharacteristically unsure of herself. Finally, she spoke up. "Chakotay, I want you to hear this from me. I have requested a new first officer."

Chakotay was stunned. Of all the things he had ever expected to hear from her, this was the last. No, that wasn't true. He had never even considered the possibility that she might ever say that to him. Kathryn could be unpredictable, but this went far beyond the normal range of unexpected behavior. All the air went out of him. He couldn't speak ... not that he was able to think of anything to say anyway.

Kathryn waited for him to respond, and then rushed on to fill the silence. "There is no way in hell that Starfleet will _ever_ be able to find me a first officer that can compare to you, It's not just that you are the best first officer for _me_, I think that you may be the best first officer in the history of Starfleet. But Chakotay, I want you off my ship."

Chakotay was incredulous. "This is about Seven, isn't it? My relationship with Seven bothers you that much?" Even as he said it, he had trouble believing it. "God damn it, Kathryn, why didn't you just come talk to me! Not that it is any of your damn business, but I was thinking of ending it anyway." 

Kathryn looked hurt when he mentioned Seven, but her expression became completely neutral when he said that he was thinking of ending it. Chakotay knew her better than anyone else ever had, but he didn't have a clue what she was thinking right now. So he waited for her to speak. Besides, he had no intention of making this easy for her.

She took a deep breath, and then seemed to reach some decision. She spoke slowly and carefully, as if she was evaluating each word before it came out of her mouth. He knew her so well: she was going to manipulate him again. "As long as you remain a member of my crew, I am constrained by Starfleet protocols. Now that we are back home, there is no reason for you to remain a member of my crew. If you are off of _Voyager_, it might still be possible for us to redefine the parameters of our relationship."

__

Parameters! Those damn parameters again! He felt a surge of anger that burned itself out as quickly as it came. Now he just felt tired. Gods, he was tired of Kathryn, and her never ending games. But still, he played along. He always played. "What parameters do you want to set now, Kathryn?"

She lightly placed her hands on his cheeks and gently brought his face down to hers. She held his face delicately, so he would be able to break away from her easily, if that was what he wanted. When his lips were next to hers, she whispered "this. I want this." And then she was kissing him, oh so gently. 

It wasn't a demanding kiss, like Seven had laid on him the week before. It was a tentative kiss, as if Kathryn wasn't sure whether he would respond or not. Obviously she wasn't taking anything for granted. 

For a heartbeat, Chakotay wondered what the wisest course of action might be. If he kissed her back now, his soul would be lost forever. He would never again have the opportunity to find somebody less complicated, someone with less capacity to hurt him. Someone who wasn't Kathryn. Someone who would never, ever be good enough for him. It turned out that he didn't have a choice after all.

When they finally broke apart, it took Chakotay a moment to get his breath back. Even then, he didn't speak right away. Now it was his turn to pick his words carefully. While he thought, Kathryn searched his face anxiously. _She has no idea what I'm going to say_, Chakotay thought wonderingly. He decided to use her own words. "I think I can live within those parameters." 

The end.


End file.
